Happy Birthday

Our friend Crystal's birthday was Valentine's Day, so we all got together the following weekend and had a small party. Heff came after work bearing presents and a card. Crystal opened her card first and this is what it said (in English),

"Well I forgot to make you a birthday card just like I forgot to call you on your birthday." (Good opening line Heff) "But I found this card in my drawer conveniently today and I thought it seemed like you and I'm writing it in cursive to make it look professional, but I forgot how to do it good. But I still think is looks professional. Happy Birthday. I love you even though I forget your birthday and never listen to you when you talk."

Then it says, "PS: If I didn't love you so much I would throw you out a window."

Followed by a wonderful drawing of two stick figures labeled, "Me, you. Best Friends."

Ok so now the fun begins.

After Crystal attempts to decipher the card she notices that Heff spelled the word conveniently, "conivently" but it was written so poorly it was hard to read so to fix it Heff wrote under it (in plain writing) "conviantly"

Thanks for clearing that up Heff.

Then I saw the word birthday. For those of you looking at the picture, it is the very first "birthday" written on the page. She spelled it, "birthdg"

After seeing this I looked at her and asked, "Don't you know how to spell birthday?"

Heff looked without missing a beat and said, "Well not in cursive!"

She's Not Really a Drinker...

A couple of New Years ago, I was at Heff's house along with our friend Jason. Her mom brought us out some champagne and glasses, out them on the table and then went upstairs.

Heff picked up the bottle and looked at the lable. After a minute she said, "So...sham-pog-na? That's Jewish right?"

I have never said champagne the correct way since.

Some People Just Can't Take a Joke

This joke is not meant to offend anyone!! I am not judgemental in any way and I accept all people.

A couple of years ago Heff and I were in the supermarket with her mom when I told her this joke:

Q: How do you get three gay guys to sit on a bar stool?
A: Flip it over.

After I told this joke she and I shared a laugh and continued shopping.

Three weeks later I get a phone call. It is Heff and she is laughing uncontrollably. My first thought was, 'Oh great, she has finally lost it.'

After she stopped laughing long enough to talk all she could say was, "I get the joke!"

I thought about it for a minute but I could not remember telling her a joke so I asked, "What joke?"

Then she said, "You know, the one about the bar stools! I have been thinking about it every night and I got it tonight! It is sooooo funny!"

She then began laughing uncontrollably again.

I hung up.

Well, That's One Way of Interpreting It

I'm sure many of you have heard the song Just Breathe by Pearl Jam

It really is a beautiful song, but Heff can butcher anything. My favorite lyrics in the song are:

Oh I'm a lucky man, to count on both hands
the ones I love,..

Some folks just have one,
yeah, others, they've got none, huh-uh

Upon hearing these lyrics, Heff came to the conclusion that Pearl Jam meant that they loved their hands and they loved them because some people only have one hand and others are armless...

After she gave me this piece of information I could not help but wonder, 'How does her mind work?'

Geography Eludes Her Once Again...

Heff and I have wanted to go on vacation together for a while now, but we couldn't think of where. One day I said, "How about California? My uncle lives near San Fransisco."

Heff said, "Yea, that's a great idea! I have an aunt that lives in San Fransisco!"

"Ok then its settled, California it is!" I replied.

A couple of days later, on our way to school, I couldn't remember if Heff said her aunt lived in San Fransisco or San Diego, so I asked, "Where in California does your aunt live?"

This was the answer I received, "I don't have an aunt in California, I have an aunt in San Fransisco."

When I asked Heff where she thought San Fransisco was located she said, "I don't know, I thought it was, like, it's own thing."

I'm not even sure how to interpret that.

How to Light a Cigarette

The other day Heff and I went to lunch with our friend Sean, who is a smoker. Sean finished his meal first (typical boy, right?) and was waiting for us to be done. After a couple of minutes he excused himself to smoke a cigarette.

A couple of minutes pass and Heff and I are still eating when Sean comes in and says, "Never mind, I'll wait, my lighter is in your car, Heff." Then he sat down.

A few more minutes pass and he gets back up and says, "Ok, I can't wait, Heff can I have your keys please?"

Heff hands over the keys and Sean leaves once again.

Heff and I finished our meals, paid the bill and went outside to find Sean. As we walk outside Sean is on his cell phone, smoking a cigarette.

After he hangs up, Heff walks over to him and says, "So how do you light a cigarette with keys?" Sean looked extremely confused but since I know Heff better, I know exactly what she meant.

I couldn't help yelling, "You are not serious right now!"

She was...

I told her that Sean needed her keys to get his lighter to light his cigarette.

Her well thought out response?

"Ohhhhhhhh, I get it!"

That's good Heff, as long as you get it...

Geography is not her strong point...

I'm sitting with my best friend, Heff, when she poses the question, "Where is Pedestria?" Taken aback I replied, "What are you talking about?" She gives me a look, you know the look, the one that just screams 'Do I really have to explain this to you?' Her response was, "You know, Pedestria, where Pedestrians live." I think I felt my jaw hit the ground.

This "blond moment" is the reason I created this blog. There will be more to come, trust me.